Green light, yellow light, red light

So...many people might already know this, but for some it might be new information...from time to time I experience moderate to severe road rage...other drivers often aggravate me and I often find myself restraining from flipping people off for their idoicy. I do realize in my more rational moments that road rage is utterly pointless and only manages to get myself worked up over something that truly does not matter...but I had an ah-ha moment today...

You know when you're driving and you finally pass the slow poke in front of you only to get stopped at a red light? That's how I feel right now. Like I'm stopped at a red light with no where to go, no instructions on where to turn next, and in the midst of it all, I realize that suddenly I feel like I am the only one stopped. Everyone around me seems to have direction, they are traveling at top speeds to success, and I am stopped. And a little scared really. Most likely without reason...but nonetheless scared. Where am I going?

Smiles

Rockie's Game April '07

We Just 'get' each other!
Av's Game March '08
This makes us look like sports fans or something!
Fun times my friend...fun times!

I see the light...

Today I had a meeting with my advisor to make sure that everything was on track with my graduation plans, and I was pleasantly surprised that I was actually a little ahead of schedule!!! I thought I was going to have to take 5 or 6 classes to make sure that I met all my requirements in the fall and it turns out that I only have 7 credit hours left after the summer!!! AMAZING! I am going to take two classes and a 4 credit internship (which I still have to find by the way...so pray for that please!) I am so incredibly relieved that my final semester isn't going to be a huge stressful ordeal. It's weird to think that this has actually motivated me more...but it has and thank the Lord because I needed some motivation!

I also really hope that another situation in my life will end up working out because I think it would be so much fun and would me me a happy camper! We'll see though...I'm trying not to get my hopes up. =-)

Yippee.

Cysts and Tumors...please steer clear

Why is it that all of this is so complicated? Two family members in less than 6 months...

should I be afraid that I have horrible headaches?

Like a kid again...

Life is about the little things...and one thing that I will always love are those nostalgic feelings that remind me of being a kid. Well today that happened when i ate fun dip...I do have to admit the packaging has all changed but it still tastes the same!

Too bad all the fun stuff from being a kid couldn't come back... you know like incredibly limited responsibility or no bills to pay! Ah well...growing up does have it's perks huh?

Absent...but with a good excuse!

It's been way too long since I've written...I keep thinking of things to write about and then some how through out the day they escape my mind. But this last weekend I've been distracted because my mom came to visit me in Colorado! It was so great to get to spend some quality time with her! We had a girls weekend for sure and let me tell you it was well needed. We got to do some shopping (my belated b-day present) and we pampered ourselves with haircuts, pedicures and manicures, and finally a relaxing massage. We went to church together for Easter, and we saw Horton Hears a Who...my mom might be one of the only people who will still go see those silly kid movies with me...but I love them! =-) We also went to Golden to visit this quilt museum my mom wanted to see. It ended up being lame and not worth the six bucks (even she said so!), but at least she can say she went! All in all I love my mom tons and am so glad to be out of that teenage stage where it seemed most of our time was spent irritated with each other. It's fun to have a mom who is also your friend! She has been such a huge support with everything that has gone on lately. Only bummer is that dad couln't make it out as well. Maybe next time! I am actually really hoping to sneak a trip back to Cali this summer...I am dying to go waterskiing/wakeboarding and it's been way too long!!!!!!! The lake is calling me...I can already hear the boat engine rumbling and the smell of sunscreen is filling up my nostrils!

Well that's a mini update for now. I need to get my groove back for writing! But quite frankly I need to attempt to sleep at some point tonight and feel as though I'm going to really regret staying up this late tomorrow! But hey...you only live once right???

Sweet dreams

Plans...

Today I caught up with a friend that I met a few semesters ago in my English class, and we had a great time simply talking about life! It's interesting to me how easy it is to connect with some people, even though you don't see them on any sort of regular basis. I guess some people are just compatible like that!

We talked about anything and everything but one of my favorite topics we touched on was about the irony in life and trying to plan... It's ironic to think about how most of the time there is truly no sense in making plans because ultimately they are bound to change! It's so true, isn't it? Nothing in my life is how I invisioned it would have been 3 or 4 or 10 years ago. There are no plans that I can make that are gauaranteed to happen. In a way this is kind of exciting and a little bit thrilling because this creates the mystery that makes life fun.

My friend talked about one of her art projects where she had to start with a giant block of plaster/clay and chip away at it creating a work of art that did not resemble any object. The requirements were that at least 50% of the original block had to be extracted, and the object must have at least 3 different textures. As they worked on the project more and more, each person in the class began to create something entirely different than anyone else sitting around them. She talked about how at certain points in the project either she or one of her classmates would begin to chip away at their creation and something unexpected would happen. Either a tool would slip, the plaster was too weak and shattered, someone bumped into them in the middle of making a new adjustment, etc. At first the mistakes or unexpected changes were a nuicance and source of frustration, but as the artist continued to remold and adjust their plaster those nuicances became the best part of their creation. The most interesting or beautiful part of the project. The beauty was in the unexcpected.

It seems like a cheesy metaphor, but honestly if life can be viewed like one of those blocks of plaster then is it possible that there is beauty in the unexpected? Do the frustrations in life and the hard situations we experience have the potential to create something spectacular? I hope so...I really really hope so. Because isn't it those very things that make us stronger, aren't some of life's surprises the most fun? This silly example of the unpredicatability of life gave me peace today. I can't plan the future, and I have no clue what the future holds for me...but living day by day and enjoying the ride...it's then that I can look and see a masterpiece being created.

I don't think life is intended to be mapped out...but the roads we travel capture the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly...everything really, and ultimately each road brings us a little bit closer to our final destination. But traveling is the most fun...experiencing is after all what creates the memories.

A funny story to end the night

This is just a funny story to share because it made me smile today. One of my friends/coworkers has a 8 year old son who is pretty adorable...

Today after school he came running in the leasing office with his buddies and said to Siara (another friend/co-worker):

"We were getting off the bus and some kid did something illegal! We need to call the COPS, that boy just HIT A GIRL!"

I'm glad to see that it's now 'against the law' to hit a girl! ;-)

Yummy!

These are the delicious cookies I made tonight after the gym...

the trade off of calories was totally worth it!!!
You know you wish you were one of those sprinkles!

Missing...

Today I miss him...a lot. I tried to think of why this might be and I think it's because of the absence of touch I've been felt. It's amazing how much this one aspect can have on a person. I've always been a hugger, and I've always appreciated touch in my life. (approriate that is ;-) I guess I just got used to getting a hug almost every day, holding someone's hand, feeling his hand on the small of my back when we walked in a room...so many little things. So I guess in reality...I don't miss him...I just miss his touch. Sigh...

Tuesdays are fabulous! Work is generally boring..but after work...magic happens...o.k. I'm not sure if it's magic but I always feel so fantastic on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are SALSA NIGHTS!!! At 24 there is an awesome cardio salsa class that I've been going to for about a month. I'm a horrible dancer, but this class is so much FUN and sometimes I actually feel like I do all right!!! The rules are...don't look at your feet, sweat and have fun. None of these things are hard to do, this class will kick your butt. But afterwards I always feel great! I love it, so I just had to share!

Something else I love...breakfast for dinner! Can't get much better =-) Eggs with cheddar cheese, sausage, and some amazing orange juice full of pulp! Yummmy!

Do you believe???

Yesterday was a good day and I never got the opportunity to write about it, so I’m backtracking a bit. Lately, I’ve been stressed, and emotionally overwhelmed with anything and everything. I’ve been taking way too many things personally and felt the need to change the world before it ceased to exist. (O.k obviously not possible…but do you ever have those days when you just see everything wrong with the world…) Basically I haven’t been a very positive thinker and I’ve been trying my hardest to get out of this awful funk (see earlier post) because no one, especially me wants to feel like this. Well yesterday it happened! I left the funk! I don’t really know what came over me but I had a great day. I woke up early to finish a project for school and it took me less time than I expected. Then everything went smoothly at school and despite me deep urge to skip class, I went, and actually enjoyed my time. In my last class (Communication & the Elderly) we watched Grumpy Old Men, and before you doubt the academic credibility of this class time, please understand that this movie is definitely useful in evaluating some of the stereotypes that accompany the elderly public. Plus it is quite hilarious, and I had forgotten just how good it was so that was an added bonus! The next statement that I’m going to make might be laughable…but hear me out. This movie honestly helped me believe in love. Hahahahaha…o.k. the laughing is over, I hope you enjoyed the moment! ;-) But honestly, in addition to the ‘age’ theme that runs through the film, there is also a theme of love that managed to bring me hope.

It is so easy for me to see all of the couples who are failing at making the marriage commitment because it seems like they are everywhere…and I mean EVERYWHERE!!! A few years back I watched 2 young marriages fall apart because one of the people wasn’t committed. The next year I heard that my aunt and uncle who were married for over 20 years were separating, and now it seems like anyone and everyone I know is cheating on their significant other/spouse or being cheated on. It sucks. It’s very hard to stay positive when devastation is all that you seem to see, no matter where you look.

But then I started to think…what about all of the people doing it right! While there is definitely corruption in some marriages, and sometimes they fail...there are so many others that are flourishing. People who have truly made lifetime committments! These are the people to look up to! My grandparents, parents, many aunts and uncles, families from church etc., Mark & Shan, Kym & Andy, Maggie & Joe, Wayne & Krista, Doug & Alayna...the list could honestly go on...and on...this makes me excited about the future. I was beginning to think that this dream that I've had since I don't know...forever...was pretty much doomed to fail, but then I realized there are still many people out there that respect marriage and I'm super excited to have these people in my life because one day my dream is going to come true and I will be married to an amazing man. Then I know I will look up to them even more as examples of what love is really all about!

I BELIEVE IN LOVE! Yup..it's true. I've never truly been in love, I'm not in love now, but someday I will be and when that day comes...I BELIEVE!!!

This is a minute long clip from an episode of Scrubs that basically sums up what I've written...I found this a long time ago and find that it relates to my life in a new way...enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IINn0UatJPE&feature=related

Broken - Tift Merritt

Great song...will reflect later...

I love my job...a recent telephone conversation

Me: Thank you for calling Woodhaven Apartments, Michelle Speaking

Person on Phone: I'm looking for an apartment

Me: O.k we have 1 and 2 bedroom apartments available in a variety of styles how many bedrooms are you looking for?

Person: 2 bedrooms

Me: We will have a few opening up very soon are you looking for anything specific for your apartment?

Person: How many floors do you have?

Me: 3, the first floor is garden level

Person: So you do have a second floor?

Me: Yes ma'am. (please excuse me while I try not to laugh at you...if we have 3 floors yes there is a second one in there somewhere!)

So it's possible that I'm the only one who finds humor in this but, it makes me smile. I know she probably meant for her question to come out differently but honestly some people ask the darnest things.

=-)

This is my Grandma White, I admire her so much.

She makes me wish I was at home in California...

that's been happening a lot lately. =(

Uphill Climb

Well I can officially say that today has been a waste of a day. Sad I know...but I ended up staying up late talking with a friend last night and was exhausted this morning. I finished my homework but only went to two of my classes (I'm apparently a slacker). I feel frustrated and unmotivated with school right now. I see myself falling further and further behind...and I just know that this will ultimately bite me in the butt. The weirdest part of all of this is that I'm not usually like this. I am a student...it's a huge part of who I am and while I've gotten burnt out with school at end of semesters and during crunch times, I've never lost my motivation to work hard. Now I feel like I don't really care.

This makes me feel a little disappointed in myself. What sucks is that I just wish I was done with school. I have so many different things that I want to do in life, and I want to be able to focus on my personal life and my faith right now. I think what I'm struggling with is accepting myself where I'm at in my life. There aren't many things I can change in my life with out crazy consequences so I feel like I'm stuck in the hole I've been trying so desperately to climb out of.

I want to be strong. I hate the feeling of being weak...deep down I understand that what I'm feeling is change and growth, but it makes me feel... Unstable. Yuck, I don't think anyone likes this feeling. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes I feel as though the person who I am and the person who I want to be are constantly battling. I'm tired of trying to feel better, or stronger and more together. I just want to be o.k with where I am at, I want to be myself, and I want to feel proud of the person I am even if at times I struggle.

It's kinda like climbing a mountain. For the most part it's just an uphill climb, but every once in awhile you have to stop and rest, rehydrate yourself and possibly eat a power bar. Then you can continue to climb upwards. It's time to rest and rejuvinate, because I am confident that there are better days ahead. The emotional struggles can't go on forever. Eventually we reach the top of the mountain and we can appreciate everything that happened on the journey to get there.

It's time to say cheers to the better days ahead.

Octopus In My Head???

So I've decided that some roller coasters aren't fun. Roller coasters are generally full of fun; twists and turns and gut quenching thrill. But I have found one type of roller coaster that I can't stand...emotional roller coasters are NOT fun. I feel as though my mood can change with the blink of an eye these days. My days are remarkably better than they were 2 weeks ago, but there are still times when I can’t think of anything aside from the relationship that I just watched shatter into a million pieces. I just wish that he would come crawling back so I could say…Ha! No Way MISTER!!! The thing that hurts the most is that this will never happen, so I will never get my chance to hurt him with rejection the same way that he hurt me. It’s horrible to think like that and I know that doing this will never make me feel any better…but that’s how my evil head works. Most days I’m over the whole situation, but there is still a part of me that wonders what I did wrong, why couldn’t he love me, why doesn’t he realize what he walked away from. The other part of me is jumping for joy because hind sight has shown me how much he was bringing me down in life. I let him take away from my faith, my identity and so much more. Regardless, my current frustration is simply that I still get sad and I HATE THAT! I get all worked up with so many emotions that are completely out of my control. It usually lasts about 20 minutes to and hour and eventually I am able to focus my attention somewhere else but I hate getting so worked up over nothing. There is nothing to be sad about anymore. There is no undoing the past, all I can do is move forward, so why does my mind wrap its octopus like tentacles around the bad memories and hang on for dear life? The question of the day is why does our past have to loom like a dark rain cloud over our present? There are plenty of happy, pleasant memories that I’ve forgotten about and that escape my mind most of the time, yet now when I just want to erase certain memories and have a clean slate and my mind won’t let go. The octopus in my head is not very nice…there’s something I never thought I’d say.

Just...want...to...start...a...new...day...

I'm in a funk...I can't get out...it's comsuming me. Writing is the only thing that is keeping me sane...How do you get rid of funk? I want to be alone and surrounded by people all at the same time...then I think to myself...Michelle that is completely and totally IMPOSSIBLE. What is my problem? I'm not sad, I'm not happy....I'm just irritated at nothing. I've been bored all day at work. Have completely no motivation to work on my stuff for school. Don't want to go home to an empty apartment. Don't want to go grocery shopping and spend money because I finally feel like I have some, lol. I just want to sleep. Or cry or listen, or feel better, or just have a crap ton of fun. But there is no fun to be had. Everyone has plans. My friends live too far away....AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG! What the heck? There it is...that's my funk. I hate the funk. Please go away funk...you are not welcome here.

Things to be happy about...because I'm feeling down...

1. temperatures have finally moved out of the freezing zone into somewhat livable...only cold at night I can deal with this temperatures =)
2. i have beautiful flowers on my desk thanks to a fabulous co-worker
3. my mom is coming to visit in 32 days!!!
4. i had chipolte for lunch and it was amazing...
5. my finances are finally not overwhelming me
6. i'm going grocery shopping tonight...and there's just something about that that makes me happy inside...weird right? I think it means I'm destined to be a super mom...who knows.
7. i have a gift certificate for See's candy...which I will redeem tonight thank you very much!!!
8. i have amazing friends who make me smile, and laugh, and who make living seem worth while
9. i am loved by our amazing creator
10. lip gloss from victoria secret is superb...
11. there are 320 days left this year for amazing life chaning wonderful things to happen!
12. water has been satisfying my thirst lately...and that almost never happens.
13. church is tomorrow night
14. i'm gonna go work out tonight and that always gives me extra energy
15. things will get better...that makes me happy...very very happy

Love is...blind

O.k...I've been wanting to write for several days now and have yet to make it my priority. So it has loomed over my head and finally I realized that...it is time.

Well yesterday was Valentine's day...a big whoop-di-do for everyone who loves red and pink covered chocolates, and roses, and a fancy dinner...ect ect ect you know the drill. Initially I became irritated because as we all know this should have been a special day for me...I was looking forward to celebrating it with my special somone...and then only weeks before I got the newsflash that he wasn't so special anymore. That he cheated on me...that he never appreciated anything that I did for him and that he had no respect for me or our relationship. RIDICULOUS, right? Proposterous even...my world was turned upside down for a bit, and after a few hard lessons learned, several waves of emotions exasperated, and so many tears cried that I'm sure I've met my quota for the next 6 months...I am finally sitting/standing right side up. My head is glued on somewhat straight and I feel fine. I feel fine. O.k...I feel numb but also mostly fine. I'm not glad and I'm not sad. I can sit and ponder all of the reasons to be jumping for joy that this man is out of my life and I can also sit and ponder all the reasons that I'm going to miss him. Either way...both feelings are still there. And I'm coming to the realization that maybe they always will be there and maybe there is something constructive that can be done with those feelings. If I look at life simply and understand that I am here to experience and to learn...then I can do both of those things with my relationship with Rene. I have already experienced...the good, the bad and the ugly. I've learned different things along the way, but now it's time to understand. I understand that he was put in my life for a reason, I understand that I was hurt, and I understand that I never want to feel the way that I have in the last 2 weeks ever ever again ever....EVER! I also understand that this might have been exactly what I needed to fall flat on my face in terms of my faith and my incredible skill of avoidance. No matter how great it felt to be in the arms of a lover (let's not get too literal here), my heart and soul have been empty and starving for more. I am not proud of the fact that I have walked away from the first person who ever loved me, but I am overwhelmed with the idea that he has been waiting for me. For me. Eventhough I doubted his role in my life. Doubted his care and love for me...I doubted. But the amazing thing is that through my heartache over a man...I fell in love with my best friend. A homecoming if you will. It sounds cliche, and another, overused Christian expression. But it feels right, the cliche, overused Christian expression fits my life....weird right? There is so much that I don't understand and that I can't comprehend...but the one thing that I know is that I crave to be in a place in my life where I am in love with Jesus Christ. This might sound strange to some, but it's true. I want to be in love with Him, I want serve him, I want to understand his role in my life. It won't always be perfect, and I may even doubt again at sometime in my life...but no one said my faith had to be perfect, it never has been and it never will be. But the point is...it's faith...and it's present and alive in my life.