question mark

So I'm on this "let's use all of this negative energy for good" kick. Since work has been driving me insance I've decided to get back into going to the gym. I ran 4 miles today, and did a bunch of ab stuff! It actually helps me avoid thinking about the stuff that is driving me nuts, but at the same time is that simply ignoring my problems and playing just pretend??? I don't know, at this point I'm just going to keep at it b/c it make me less crazy and it has amazing adverse affects on the potential of getting back into shape!!! So we'll see.

My goal right now is simply to keep God as my focus, it's tough because I keep trying to close my eyes, but that's the goal I'm striving for. I really would love a lightening bolt about now, because I just don't think I have the spiritual gift for following God's direction. It seems like every time I'm confident that I do, life end's up happening and the plans change with the chaos of life. I can't decide whether I did the right thing (I guess there's no turning back now), whether I'm doing the right thing RIGHT NOW, and whether what I'm thinking about doing might be the right decision. It all makes sense to me, but does it make sense to God and does it fit into HIS plan? I guess I'm just baffeled at this thing called life.

This summer at base camp, I analyzed my life and basically asked God to take control of my life, I told him I needed his direction, and that if I needed to change anything in my life to better serve him, than I was ready to change it. The whole time I'm thinking, how do I *literally* give everything up to God. I've attempted to do it so many times in my life, but does it need to be taken to the next level? Does it simply mean, quit the job you know you're not happy at, and trust God to provide something better for you, or is that foolish??? Because then what happens when that *something* doesn't come around??? I just don't know how to interpret what the heck I should do with myself. Because it would be foolish to quit my job with out something else lined up, but would it also be foolish to continue to come home miserable every day during the week, get pumped up and refocused at the end of each day or the weekend whatever, and then look for jobs in my spare time??? That kind of drags out this whole process of transitioning and it doesn't require a lot of faith that God will provide for me no matter what happens.

I really just feel like a giant question mark right now. My hope would be that God could straighten me out to become an EXPLANATION POINT!!! I feel like that's how I used to feel about life, and now I still feel that excitement for life, but it takes so much effort to be happy and to think positively; if I didn't have the hope in Christ that I do, I think I would be incredibly miserable and a huge giant grouch! But THANK GOD, I have a hope instilled in my heart that allows me to refocus, and adjust my crappy attitudes.

Here I am, hoping and praying for an arrow pointing me in the right direction! I know it's not that easy, but I know that eventually God will make himself clear in the direction I should go. If I make the wrong discretion, then he'll point me a different way, I'm used to it! Until next time, I'm outta here!