This is my Grandma White, I admire her so much.

She makes me wish I was at home in California...

that's been happening a lot lately. =(

Uphill Climb

Well I can officially say that today has been a waste of a day. Sad I know...but I ended up staying up late talking with a friend last night and was exhausted this morning. I finished my homework but only went to two of my classes (I'm apparently a slacker). I feel frustrated and unmotivated with school right now. I see myself falling further and further behind...and I just know that this will ultimately bite me in the butt. The weirdest part of all of this is that I'm not usually like this. I am a student...it's a huge part of who I am and while I've gotten burnt out with school at end of semesters and during crunch times, I've never lost my motivation to work hard. Now I feel like I don't really care.

This makes me feel a little disappointed in myself. What sucks is that I just wish I was done with school. I have so many different things that I want to do in life, and I want to be able to focus on my personal life and my faith right now. I think what I'm struggling with is accepting myself where I'm at in my life. There aren't many things I can change in my life with out crazy consequences so I feel like I'm stuck in the hole I've been trying so desperately to climb out of.

I want to be strong. I hate the feeling of being weak...deep down I understand that what I'm feeling is change and growth, but it makes me feel... Unstable. Yuck, I don't think anyone likes this feeling. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes I feel as though the person who I am and the person who I want to be are constantly battling. I'm tired of trying to feel better, or stronger and more together. I just want to be o.k with where I am at, I want to be myself, and I want to feel proud of the person I am even if at times I struggle.

It's kinda like climbing a mountain. For the most part it's just an uphill climb, but every once in awhile you have to stop and rest, rehydrate yourself and possibly eat a power bar. Then you can continue to climb upwards. It's time to rest and rejuvinate, because I am confident that there are better days ahead. The emotional struggles can't go on forever. Eventually we reach the top of the mountain and we can appreciate everything that happened on the journey to get there.

It's time to say cheers to the better days ahead.

Octopus In My Head???

So I've decided that some roller coasters aren't fun. Roller coasters are generally full of fun; twists and turns and gut quenching thrill. But I have found one type of roller coaster that I can't stand...emotional roller coasters are NOT fun. I feel as though my mood can change with the blink of an eye these days. My days are remarkably better than they were 2 weeks ago, but there are still times when I can’t think of anything aside from the relationship that I just watched shatter into a million pieces. I just wish that he would come crawling back so I could say…Ha! No Way MISTER!!! The thing that hurts the most is that this will never happen, so I will never get my chance to hurt him with rejection the same way that he hurt me. It’s horrible to think like that and I know that doing this will never make me feel any better…but that’s how my evil head works. Most days I’m over the whole situation, but there is still a part of me that wonders what I did wrong, why couldn’t he love me, why doesn’t he realize what he walked away from. The other part of me is jumping for joy because hind sight has shown me how much he was bringing me down in life. I let him take away from my faith, my identity and so much more. Regardless, my current frustration is simply that I still get sad and I HATE THAT! I get all worked up with so many emotions that are completely out of my control. It usually lasts about 20 minutes to and hour and eventually I am able to focus my attention somewhere else but I hate getting so worked up over nothing. There is nothing to be sad about anymore. There is no undoing the past, all I can do is move forward, so why does my mind wrap its octopus like tentacles around the bad memories and hang on for dear life? The question of the day is why does our past have to loom like a dark rain cloud over our present? There are plenty of happy, pleasant memories that I’ve forgotten about and that escape my mind most of the time, yet now when I just want to erase certain memories and have a clean slate and my mind won’t let go. The octopus in my head is not very nice…there’s something I never thought I’d say.

Just...want...to...start...a...new...day...

I'm in a funk...I can't get out...it's comsuming me. Writing is the only thing that is keeping me sane...How do you get rid of funk? I want to be alone and surrounded by people all at the same time...then I think to myself...Michelle that is completely and totally IMPOSSIBLE. What is my problem? I'm not sad, I'm not happy....I'm just irritated at nothing. I've been bored all day at work. Have completely no motivation to work on my stuff for school. Don't want to go home to an empty apartment. Don't want to go grocery shopping and spend money because I finally feel like I have some, lol. I just want to sleep. Or cry or listen, or feel better, or just have a crap ton of fun. But there is no fun to be had. Everyone has plans. My friends live too far away....AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG! What the heck? There it is...that's my funk. I hate the funk. Please go away funk...you are not welcome here.

Things to be happy about...because I'm feeling down...

1. temperatures have finally moved out of the freezing zone into somewhat livable...only cold at night I can deal with this temperatures =)
2. i have beautiful flowers on my desk thanks to a fabulous co-worker
3. my mom is coming to visit in 32 days!!!
4. i had chipolte for lunch and it was amazing...
5. my finances are finally not overwhelming me
6. i'm going grocery shopping tonight...and there's just something about that that makes me happy inside...weird right? I think it means I'm destined to be a super mom...who knows.
7. i have a gift certificate for See's candy...which I will redeem tonight thank you very much!!!
8. i have amazing friends who make me smile, and laugh, and who make living seem worth while
9. i am loved by our amazing creator
10. lip gloss from victoria secret is superb...
11. there are 320 days left this year for amazing life chaning wonderful things to happen!
12. water has been satisfying my thirst lately...and that almost never happens.
13. church is tomorrow night
14. i'm gonna go work out tonight and that always gives me extra energy
15. things will get better...that makes me happy...very very happy

Love is...blind

O.k...I've been wanting to write for several days now and have yet to make it my priority. So it has loomed over my head and finally I realized that...it is time.

Well yesterday was Valentine's day...a big whoop-di-do for everyone who loves red and pink covered chocolates, and roses, and a fancy dinner...ect ect ect you know the drill. Initially I became irritated because as we all know this should have been a special day for me...I was looking forward to celebrating it with my special somone...and then only weeks before I got the newsflash that he wasn't so special anymore. That he cheated on me...that he never appreciated anything that I did for him and that he had no respect for me or our relationship. RIDICULOUS, right? Proposterous even...my world was turned upside down for a bit, and after a few hard lessons learned, several waves of emotions exasperated, and so many tears cried that I'm sure I've met my quota for the next 6 months...I am finally sitting/standing right side up. My head is glued on somewhat straight and I feel fine. I feel fine. O.k...I feel numb but also mostly fine. I'm not glad and I'm not sad. I can sit and ponder all of the reasons to be jumping for joy that this man is out of my life and I can also sit and ponder all the reasons that I'm going to miss him. Either way...both feelings are still there. And I'm coming to the realization that maybe they always will be there and maybe there is something constructive that can be done with those feelings. If I look at life simply and understand that I am here to experience and to learn...then I can do both of those things with my relationship with Rene. I have already experienced...the good, the bad and the ugly. I've learned different things along the way, but now it's time to understand. I understand that he was put in my life for a reason, I understand that I was hurt, and I understand that I never want to feel the way that I have in the last 2 weeks ever ever again ever....EVER! I also understand that this might have been exactly what I needed to fall flat on my face in terms of my faith and my incredible skill of avoidance. No matter how great it felt to be in the arms of a lover (let's not get too literal here), my heart and soul have been empty and starving for more. I am not proud of the fact that I have walked away from the first person who ever loved me, but I am overwhelmed with the idea that he has been waiting for me. For me. Eventhough I doubted his role in my life. Doubted his care and love for me...I doubted. But the amazing thing is that through my heartache over a man...I fell in love with my best friend. A homecoming if you will. It sounds cliche, and another, overused Christian expression. But it feels right, the cliche, overused Christian expression fits my life....weird right? There is so much that I don't understand and that I can't comprehend...but the one thing that I know is that I crave to be in a place in my life where I am in love with Jesus Christ. This might sound strange to some, but it's true. I want to be in love with Him, I want serve him, I want to understand his role in my life. It won't always be perfect, and I may even doubt again at sometime in my life...but no one said my faith had to be perfect, it never has been and it never will be. But the point is...it's faith...and it's present and alive in my life.

A Bucket List...well kinda..

I was talking with a good friend tonight and I have established that while my life has been fairly entertaining and full of fun memories and excitement there are so many things that I have yet to do. As I round out my undergraduate education I realize that my dedication to both working and studying has fufilled a huge part of who I am...but has also left a void.

What type of void you might ask? Its hard to explain. I can't discount my choices in life and I'm very proud of the accomplishments that I've made and the experiences that I have lived through and learned from...but I am 23 years old and some times I feel as though my focus is on 10 years from now instead of RIGHT NOW...here...the PRESENT...today...If I'm not paying bills and freaking out about ruining my credit forever or working my butt off to get an A in every single college course that I'm enrolled in, or working out to make sure that I don't become grossley obese...AHHHHHHHH....it's all pointless. Why do I take life so seriously....like it might end if I'm not anal about all the little details. What if the dishes sit in the sink for 48 hours? What if someone sees my dirtly laundry on the floor? Will tomorrow still come? O.k...so lets face it these things are still important...but what about the fun stuff? Now I'm obviously being a little one-sided (there has to be a better word for this) in my observations and I've had a ton of fun in my life, many priceless memories...but my point...(yes it's taking me approx. 3 years to get to it...sorry) is that there are so many things that I have yet to experience in life! And I want to EXPERIENCE LIFE!!!

So my conclusion is that I need to have goals outside of my career and education for my future...so here's a start:

Thing to do this year:
*Go to the Denver Zoo/Aquariam/Art Museum
*Visit Rocky Mountain National Park
*Serve at Camp Barnabas
*Go Wakeboarding/waterskiing this summer
*Have a movie day...all day....just watch movies and veg with my friends.
*Go to a concert (Fronteir Days Steven???)

Things to do before I die...
*Go on an African Saffari
*Visit all 7 Contienents
*Swim with the Dolphins
*Sky Dive....(biting nails in terror...I will enjoy every moment save the one that requires me stepping away from the plane lol =)

O.k...I'm running out of ideas due to the pressure of thinking in the moment, but I will try to add to the list...

2008...You haven't started off in the greatest light...but I have hope...I'm excited...Let's Dance!

Back to the Basics

The new year has brought a whirl wind of changes and events to my normally basic non-eventful boring predictable mediocre life. I have been forced to look at myself in a rather blunt and unforgiving mirror and have been heartbroken by the reflection. I no longer see the woman that I want to be and am forced to reckon with the person that I have become. At first I feel hopeless and defeated until I remember that I am the very person who has the potential to change the reflection.

Push comes to shove I am a walking example of the overused bible verse Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory”. (note this is from memory not taken directly from a specific site or source.) I realize that this verse applies to every single human being alive on this earth but for some reason I feel as though I am the single most defiant sinner of them all. Leave it to my genetics to make me hard on myself. My once faithful heart has been beaten and broken and conquered by the devil for the last year or so of my life…I have fallen for his lies, eaten the forbidden fruit and have turned my eyes from the very foundation of truth that I have stood by my entire adolescent and young adult life.

I have no excuses or eloquent reasoning for why my faith has faltered. All I know is that my faith crumpled in the face of doubt and I turned my heart away from the one person who was to be trusted with my entire being. I believed my faith to be solid and suddenly I am faced with the reality that I still have no idea of the magnitude found in the Lord Jesus Christ. Will I ever understand? While I never stopped believing in him, I did stop living my faith. I walked away from the first person to ever love me, and walked into the arms of someone who never did. This makes me feel like utter filth, dirty and undeserving of the gift that I am still able to receive. My mind simply cannot wrap itself around the fact that I am worthy of His love and grace. I think of the people in my life who have hurt me in the past and how hard it is to forgive them, and then I recognize the forgiving nature of my Savior and am in utter disbelief that it’s possible.

It’s incredibly humbling to know that I can return to the arms of Christ with no questions asked, no application process or interview, nothing is asked of me aside from a commitment to know and grow closer to my comforter, my redeemer, and best friend, my rock and my salvation. I am in awe, it’s uncomprehendable, and I am overwhelmed. Shaken not stirred…just in case it matters to anyone. =) O.k…I’m still a smartass. Some things never change.

Think before you say...

There are times in life when your mouth gets you in trouble. The last week or so has been one of those times for me. I let the pain in my heart control my anger and rage and when i get mad I don't hit or punch or throw a fit. My anger is either expressed in tears or in words. I have been told and have learned from experience that words can hurt more than a slap in the face. The old saying of "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...it isn't quite on target.

Words do hurt. They penetrate your heart, they fill your mind and they consume your thoughts. In both good ways and bad. In a good way, when a guy tells you he loves you...you believe it...you repeat the words over and over again and they penetrate your thoughts...they motivate your actions and they bring you hope. But turn it on the flip side and say, "only a mother could love someone like you"...and those words aren't forgotten either. They most likely emplify your worst fears about yourself and make you feel lower than low. I imagine that both can be like yelling in a cave and hearing the echo sounding over and over and over again...slowly getting further and further away. But reverberating in every bone in your body. The highest of highes to the lowest of lows. Words are not forgotten. This is when I wish that I had a rewind button for my life. Just to go back a moment or two and start over. Think about my actions and realize that saying something hurtful to another person doesn't make anyone feel better. Maybe for some it does...maybe revenge really is sweet and having that revenge makes their day. But for me, it only brought more hurt. I looked in the mirror and realized that I could not longer recognize the person I had become in my anger. I am not a cruel monster capable of causing someone so much hurt...am I? Was it worth it to express my frustration...just to make someone feel as low as I did?

I'm not sure what compels a person to say such wonderful or such hurtful things...but I know now from experience that both can be said and not meant. He told me he loved me, and never meant it. I expressed my frustration by saying only a mother could love him. It's not true. It couldn't be true...because I loved him. I don't know that it was ever something that he believed...and I'm sure he wouldn't be compelled to change his mind now that he's seen the angry words in a text message written from me, (although never meant to be seen by him - thank you for the help with that). Regardless, he saw the words. And because of that I have now lost not only a boyfriend...but a few friends, and a few memories that I will never be able to share with anyone.

Words hold more power than I will ever understand. So learn from my mistakes...choose wisely...never fear to express your feelings, but know that our feelings are based in emotion...and when not in the right state of mind, the words still have the same meaning.

How many years....?

Well after a 3 day attempt to set up a google account (yup...that's how long it's been since I've posted anything here), I can finally get back to my lovely little blog. It has recently become apparent to me that for at least the last year of my life I have been taking care of everyone else besides ME! So I'm trying to get back to doing some of the things that I love to do. And writing is one of them. Most of what I write is nonsense...occasionally the words do have quite a bit of meaning...but like I said...mostly nonsense to help me realize that I have a life. =) Sometimes I feel as though I have so many thoughts in one day that they are merely thoughts...and they never capture the meaning that helps me apply the thoughts to my life. When I write...it solidifies that fact that I have made an application.

I have some serious updates to post but for now this is a start. I will hopefully write more this weekend after I've had a little more time to process some of the things that are circling around in my little brain.