It's Official, I'm a college graduate!

Back to Square 1

So in response to my previous post...yet again there was already another offer on the condo so as the contestants of a popular game show would say, "NO DEAL". I am supposedly next in line, if anything falls through, but let's just say I'm not holding my breath. So I'm on the hunt again. I'm not going to lie...I find this process incredibly annoying. I wish that the listing agents would mention it to my realtor when she calls to schedule a showing, just out of courtesy. I'm doing my best not to get emotionally involved, but for goodness sakes I have to have some emotion...I'm making the biggest purchase of my life thus far! Sigh. I'm just tired of finding something that is in my price range, that happens to be in good shape and has the features I'm looking for...only to find out I can't have it. Something else I find intriguing...I thought we were in a housing CRISIS? Apparently, the crisis is that everyone is buying what I want. O.k. now I sound spoiled. haha.

On a happier note...I have one more final and I am officially done with my undergraduate degree. On Sunday December 14, 2008 I will have my B.A. in Speech Communication with an emphasis in Communication Theory and a minor in Nutrition. If that isn't a mouthful I don't know what is!

And on an even happier note...Katie will be here Friday, and Mom, Dad, Grandma W, Grandma C, Grandpa, Martha, and Norman will all be here Saturday!

What a hoot! I'm super excited to have everyone here to celebrate!

Excitement

I'm putting in an offer on my new home (thinking positive here)!!!! I'm hoping and praying that their are no other offers (that happened with the last one I looked at). I'm nervous and excited at the same time. Mom told me from the beginning that I shouldn't get emotionally attached until I know that the house is mine, and in my defense I did my best to stay strong...but I LOVE IT!!! Love it, love it, llllllloooooovvvvveeee it! I forgot the camera today so I don't have any pictures...but if all works out well there will soon be plenty of pictures to view! It is a beautiful top floor condo (great views), 2 bedrooms and 2 baths plus a den. The master bathroom has a sunken tub (There is a God!), and all of the appliances are included. I can't wait to be able to do laundry in my own home again!

I know the last thing I need is a distraction from finals...but maybe it is exactly what I needed. Thank you Lord for shinning a little light in dark place! (o.k. no need to be dramatic it's not as bad as I make it sound)

Stay tuned for more information!

The HIGHS and the lows...

It's funny to observe the anticipation of an event encompassing every fiber of your being to an extent that causes you to wonder if the next moment will bring laughter, tears, frustration or joy. This last month especially, has seemed to reflect the course of a rollercoaster more than usual. I have so many changes that I anticipat occuring in my life that it is hard to know whether to put my right foot in front of my left, or my left foot in front of my right. I feel that ultimately which ever step that I take, I will end up in the perfect spot...but taking that leap of faith is presenting itself as quite a challenge!

What goes down...must come back up!

Thanksgiving Memories...

The holidays are all about making memories, right? Well that is what I set out to do yesterday! First off, some friends and I started a new tradition of running in the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. It's a 4 mile run/walk put on by the United Way Chairity group. I had a lot of fun, it was a great way to start the day! Hopefully we will continue to do it each year. After the race we all parted ways to our seperate Thanksgiving day festivities.

The second memory of the day was my attempt at making my first apple pie. What a kick. For some reason I had it in my head, that this would be a simple task...but have no fear I found a way to make it complicated! Essentially the process was simple aside from the pesky crust. After several failed attempts of getting the dough to stick together and roll out in somewhat of a circle I managed to get 75% of the crust off at one time and I figured that was going to have to work! The moral of the story...use lots of flour on the cutting board, and be patient. After a good laugh with my mom, we decided that I would have pie crust making lessons when I'm home for Christmas! The one success story is that despite the looks, the pie tasted fantastic!

The evil dough and flour...

The Finished Product...(Keep in mind this was after running!)What a mess...$5.99 at Safeway is sounding pretty good about now.
Haha...the close up really does the crust justice. The patch jobs were quite humourous to me!

I hope everyone had a fabulous Turkey Day!

Trying something new!

So Windows Vista is pretty snazzy, and you can now type your blog posts in Word and have them published to your Blogger account. I have yet to try it, but thought I would give it a whirl. So far I really don't quite see the advantages…but I imagine there is still a lot to be learned.

Yeah...it's no different. I did some simple formatting and none of it showed up...kind of lame. Oh well. I guess if you don't have an internet connection you can still blog. Maybe that is the benefit!

So exciting news...27 Days & Counting!

Things finally seem to be winding down and coming to an end. This is incredibly exciting, but is bringing up some of the tough questions. I am again battling with the question of whether or not I should stay in Co or go to Ca. I thought I had made my decision, and now I'm just not sure. I feel like I'm choosing between gold and gold. How do you judge two good things against one another? I don't know. I guess I need to go back to my original idea...don't worry about it yet! Sometimes my anal tendencies come out. I like to pretend that I've got everything all figured out and when I don't...my brains come unraveled. Sigh...

Excuse me Senioritis...Now that we've met, can I please excuse myself?

O.k, so it's gotten to the time of the semester where I am literally praying for sanity and motivation to finish out this last month! Thank goodness for faith and having something to believe in! I am in the final stretch of the semester and my motivation to make time for anything remotely related to school is at an all time low. My graduation announcements are out, people have scheduled their flights, I've got my cap and gown and commemorative tassel. Isn't it time to walk the plank, I mean the stage?

"No," you say. "Despite your daily and often hourly reminders that there is still much to be done, you continue to ignore the fact that you still have a giant research proposal to finish, a training handbook to create for my internship and final exams to complete!"

Sigh...I'm having conversational dialogues with myself...that can't be good.

More updates to come, please excuse my ranting!

Update...school, work, house???

So I've got a month and 21 days until Graduation! The days are certainly dragging, but the projects are coming together slowly and surely. Once Thanksgiving comes around, it will be all down hill from there! Now that is something to be thankful for! =-) I'm really excited for the next stage of my life, and I can't wait to graduate and leave my job!!!

I was offered a promotion at the end of August to begin in September, and accepted the position with the arrangement that I would be creating a training program for the company, and take on additional training responsibilities and a few other tasks to help the managment. Along with the additional work load, I was supposed to recieve a $1-2 dollar raise. This position is doubling as my internship for school, so I have to continue with the job eventhough THEY HAVE NOT INCREASED MY WAGES!!! The company I work for has NO integrity. After talking to my manager (who has no influence on the pay raise) about my concern, she informed me that because this job is dependant on my internship, it's possible that they are not giving me the pay raise, because they figured I would do the job either way. Really? This only goes to show how little they value their employees and confirms the fact that I do not want to continue being a part of it in any way shape or form.

But the beautiful thing about all of this is that I have been encouraged to move on! I am hoping to take a year or at least a semester off from school, and then go back to attain my graduate degree in Educational Counseling. I hope to start working in the school district next year so that I can start networking. Depending on what positions they have available (Paraeducator, Avid Tutor, Admin, Substiture) I will probably work a few nights a week at a local restaurant so that I can start saving!

Save for what you might ask? Well I will soon be entering the world of homeownership! I have been pre-approved for a loan, and I'm officially on the market for a townhome! I'm excited to have a place to truly call my own! I won't have to worry about rent increases every year (yay for apartment life) I can have a dog! I can customize things to look how I want them to! It's all very exciting. I have found a few places that I'm interested in, and I'm in contact with a real estate agent, so it should be interesting to see what I find! =-)

Well that's my update! Hopefully more good news will follow!

On my knees...

Jeremy Riddle - Sweetly Broken (From the album Sweetly Broken)

"To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous
Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

*It's amazing how amazingly simple life can be when you put things in perspective and get your priorities straight.

blank....

Burn out sucks...

I feel incredibily confused...

I am emotionally and physically exhausted...

Blank.

(But isn't this picture beautiful???)

A spark...now I need a flame

I finally got away from my awful rut and was able to get a few things accomplished in regards to my school work. I find that when I'm able to get out of the house I have a much easier time concentrating. Enter: Panera Bread, it's no library, but they have free wi-fi and provided a quzi-healthy dinner, a combination that can't be beat. The atmospher is actually pretty calming, soothing music, just enough background noise, that you're not nervous to turn a page, it would have been perfect had the just stayed open a little later. I only got an hour and a 1/2 of work done because they closed at 8:00. It was a much needed boost, and I wish it had lasted longer, but I feel that any small feet is something to be celebrated.

I'm so ready to graduate it's not even funny, so focusing has been a little bit challenging lately. What bothers me the most is that I'm distracted by nothingness. Sometimes it's important errands, and tasks that I need to get done, but more often than not, it's stupid stuff, like watching TV or a new movie, or surfing the web for things that are irrelevant. One thing that is wonderful to report, is that my credit balance is incressingly dwindling. I have a few major accounts that I will keep open, but my lasik is almost paid off, and I'm feeling like my goal of reducing the number of accounts is coming closer by the day! Yay...

Another great thing, is that I've started creating goals to accomplish after I graduate, so that I'm able to keep busy and enjoy a year off from school before going back to get my master's degree. I am still keeping my eyes and ears open for possible grad schools, but I'm definitely going to apply to UNC (University of Northern Colorado) and APU (Azusa Pacific University). I'm pretty determined I'll either be in Colorado or California, but I will definitely keep my options open. I limited myself to great proportions for undergrad, and not that I regret it, but I always wonder if I would have made the same decision if I had kept my options more open.

Here's to the future!

Step by step, piece by piece

It's amazing to see how far you've come as an individual and to look back on who you have been. Occasionally I wonder if it's even possible that I am remotely the same person I once was, and then other days I feel like I haven't changed a bit. Reality...each day becomes an important piece of who I am. Someday maybe I'll be who I really want to be...but for now...this is as good as it gets!

Sometimes...

Sometimes...we make things seem better than they are, because we hope that what we have now, will one day become even better ;-)

Sometimes...it's tough to face the reality that what you've got...is as good as it gets.
and then

Sometimes...you realize that that's o.k...and everything is gonna be all right, because what you've got isn't all that bad!

Lodi, California July 2008

RANTIN' and RAVIN'

*

Is anyone else concerned with this governement bail out? I'm sure it sounds great to people pending foclosures and all that jazz...but where is this money coming from? Are the American people going to be paying for this rather quick decision for the next million years? If we had that kind of money lying around...why hasn't it been put to better use all of this time??? I just can't wrap my head around it.

I also find it rather remarkable that we live in a society where families are loosing their homes left and right, but we will pay Spiderman $50,000,000 dollars to make # 3 & 4 of an already over worked series of movies. So basically our movie stars and celebrities are our priority. Not our teachers, or docotors... Maybe Mr. Toby Miguiere (spelling?) can donate some of his earnings towards the health care than no one can seem to find.

Which brings me to another point...do people want universal health care or do they just want free health care...because the more and more people talk about it, the more I feel like we already have universal health care. Get a clue America....nothing in life is free!!!

I can't wait for this election to be over. That's the greatest part...in 2/3 months, all of these things that people "supposedly" care so much about...will be laid to rest. I'm so sick of the ads, the conversations, the frustrations, the uneducated young minds that attend my college and their wholier than thou attitudes. Yuck...please just let us vote and be done with this!

*Comic above found at http://www.institutionaladvisors.com/images/BAILOUT3w.jpg

i am ..... pooped

Consider this thought when talking politics...

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle

It is amazing to me how angry and ignorant people can be once they start talking politics (on both sides of the political spectrum). If you want to argue...then argue, but if you have a question that you truly want answered, ask the question and listen to the reponse/answer. I've been watching political interviews and it is so incredible to notice that so many questions were actually unanswered because the PRESIDENTIAL/VP Candidates were rudely inturrupted or cut off. Can we please show a little respect for these people by letting them finish there sentences no matter how long they are (S. Mccain) or how much you stutter (S. Obama). =-)

MAY we all be reminded that there are equally important parts of communication:

• Sending messages (via words, pictures, hand gestures, etc.) &


• Recieving messages (LISTENING!!!! Interpreting, and analyzing)

Dynamics

It's amazing to think about our lives and to understand that our existance is truly dynamic! It may be amazingly obvious, but life is designed to be shared. Think about living in isolation...what do you have to live for? I am starting to think that rather than living our lives for ourselves and our own success, gain or happiness; we essentially live them for other people, regardless of wether or not we are aware of this ideal. Not just anyone, but for those few people that have entered our lives that for whatever reason you have connected with...those you have allowed to enter the sandy waters of your very being (however you might define that). More than just a causal acceptance or connection, these individuals have entered the depths of our hearts, shared our dreams and loved us no matter the cost. If you're lucky you can count those people on one hand, and evenmore so if you can fill both hands with names. A good friend of mine consistantly says that he has never been lucky in terms of winning prizes, or by having everything go his way, or even by making loads of money; but he has had resounding luck when it comes to the people that he meets. It's not that he's met celebrities or famous thinkers, athletes, or millionaires; but generally average people who break the mold and make his world a better place to be: above average.

I think this is why we each long to have at least one person in our lives that we committ to. So that without a doubt, there is at least one, sole person who can always be counted upon to share experiences with. Life isn't quite as complicated as it might seem when you evaluate the idea that there is someone else along side of you that understands, sees things similar to the way you do, or that quite frankly gives a shit. I reconize that this thought might seem a tad pesimestic, but hear me out. There are several types of people who will enter our lives: acquiantances, family members, teachers, mentors, friends, children, managers, co-workers, customer service representatives, waitresses, passerby's....the list could continue for days. From mere people passing paths, to the best of friends, each person has the potential to have an impact on our lives. For instance: on my drive to school this morning another driver on the road actually apologized for failing to let me into the next lane regardless of the fact that my blinker had been on and he had appeared to be leaving a place open for me. It turns out he must have gotten distracted while driving and did not realize that I was trying to get to the next lane. After he switched changed lanes and met up with me so that I was able to look out my left window and take a peak at the "idiot driver" (insert road rage here) I glanced over to see the face of the inconsiderate, good for nothing looser, and as I caught his face he mouthed the words, I'm sorry. I was so prepared to give him the death look and stare him down to make sure he knew just how disgusted I was by him, when my expectations were shattered, and I forced to forfeit my ascribed anticipations for our encounter, my face returned to a much more pleasant disposition and I was drawn to smile and nod in acceptance of his appology. He appologized? Can you beleive it? Any other time I would have gotten flipped off, disregarded, ignored, and possibly cut off.

Anyone can impant another individual's life but I feel those that make the most significant impacts are the people for which we live. To know that I can be helped and help in return with no questions asked, no begging or pleading required is a remarkable feeling. Love is an expectional value and (not to sound like a Miss America pagent) but if we express rather than repress the feelings that we have towads one another and simply share our human experience in an open and honest way, wouldn't this be a better place to live?

Moral of the story: People have every opportunity to break expecatations, and we should all be prepared to have our expectations exceeded.

Please tell me it isn't true...

I'm 4 weeks into school and today 'it' has arrived. I've successfully avoided 'it' for the last 5 weeks, and thought that this might be the first time in awhile that I might be able to avoid 'it'. But alas...my luck has run out and I am forced to face the facts, saddle up and ride the bull, take it by the horns and accept that SCHOOL IS STRESSFUL. I love every bit of it...but I hate that I can't focus directly on school. Rather I have 180 other things on my mind to distract me from the task at hand.

Today is the day that my social life, eating healthy, finances, cleaning my house, sleeping and contentment slowly slip away from my grasp and out of my control. Today is the day that normal everyday tasks become twice as hard as they ever need to be. Effort is everything, and motivation is the only thing that gets you through. My primary motivator...this is the end and I am moments away from my freedom from this insane captivity!

From now until about Thanksgiving...'it' will most likely consume my life, yet there is a gleaming light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see just the slightest glimpse of that beautiful shimmering splendor! Generally it seeps in and out of my peripheral vision: the goal is to catch it before it consumes my entire focus! I'm not attempting to be negative or cynical...just REAL. Stress is overwhelming, and quite frankly simply unavoidable. So it's time to deal. At least this is my feeble attempt!

Milos!

Deanna's First Shot: Washington Apple...yum =-)

East Coast Meets West Coast

What can you do with a cherry stem?

Yay for catching up with good friends
I have no words...

15 Mins of Fame / Suzie Homemaker / Slacker

Today...I have to admit it started out just a tad hectic, and a few things at work irritated me...but thanks to my amazing co-workers I got cheered up pretty quick! After lunch the day went smooth until the craziest thing happened. Dawg The Bounty Hunter and his TV crew stormed into the office about 5 minutes before we were closing, and well...I've seen crazier things where I work...but are you kidding me...I might be on TV! Lol! I will look like an idiot if I am...but none the less it would be kind of cool. I thought the whole thing was fake! I'd only seen the show once or twice so I was pretty sure I knew who he was, but at the same time, had no idea if it was the real deal. It was too bizare, Sabrina made a comment about the car that just pulled up in the parking lot and I took no interest in it all, I was just trying to get something done quick before we closed up. All of the sudden there is this crazy character and his camera crew demanding to know who was in charge!!! I said "in charge of what?" and he threw out his badge...which I was still assuming to be fake (I'm pretty sure he was one of the most popular halloween costumes this year...so you can never be too sure!!!) and he says "IN CHARGE OF THIS" he threw up his badge and shoves a picture in my face and says, "have you seen this man?" I said I had no idea (we have over 700 units so probably at least 1400 people to keep track of...they all start looking the same at some point) I tried looking up the name in our computer system to see if he was a resident, but I guess he was just visiting and switching from apartment to apartment. They had a bad address, so I have no idea how they got there or if they found him? It seemed like him and his 'crew' were split up because he was getting information on his radio. They left and all I could think was, excuse me what just happened...? So I guess if I end up on an episode of Dawg the Bounty hunter, I will have officially had my moment of fame. Haha...wait, no hair and make-up? Nope not for this girl, instead you'll get an end of the day hair-do, a deer-in-the-headlights expression and a skeptical attitude! What a crack up.





Besides my excitement at work, I ended up being Suzie Homemaker and making lasagne for Kim & Gerry and it turned out pretty good. It was fun having them over, they truly are some of the most genuine people I've had the chance to meet!





I am slacking in the 'escuela' department today. I'm just not feeling it, I had a quiz in my on-line class that I just wasn't motivated to work on today. My professor drops our lowest quiz scoore, so it won't count against me, but I really should have done it. I'm blaming it on my lovely headache. I've had one almost every day this week. It's frustrating because the only thing you can do is trudge through them, but I'm wondering what they are from. I did a little research on them, and it looks like I'm either having a cluster / tension headache, or I'm experiencing mild migranes. I've had some blurred vision, but it fades in and out really quickly. I even got dizzy once tonight. I think I'm going to schedule a doctor appointment because it's just a little crazy, especially with all the 'head & brain' complications a few of my family memebers have had recently. I'm sure it's nothing, but it's hard to keep that in mind when you have those loved ones in the back of your mind.

Whelmed

I WISH I WAS HERE...

<-----------

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed...can you ever just be whelmed?" -Quote from 10 Things I Hate About You.

I've come to the realization that it's hard to have so many things on your plate that you want to do well...and so many people you want to be around...and be able to take care of yourself at the same time. Definition: overwhelmed.

Yet...I walk on =-)

Two Reactions...

And here you have my 2 reactions

to Barack Obama's speech at the

Democratic National Convention in

Denver, Co

August 28, 2008

First off I must point out that the fact that I even put out the effort to watch the speech...only goes to show that not all conservatives are close minded. I was impressed with his speaking ability and was surprised that not everything that came out of his mouth was crap. By that I mean, that instead of simply saying the word 'change' in a few different ways without providing any sort of explanation about what that might mean or look like to the American people, he actually presented some of the things he wants to change such as education, health care benefits, limiting the outsourcing of American jobs, and providing benefits for soldiers who serve our country, & end the War on Iraq. The problem is that I'm still skeptical as to how all of this is going to take place. I feel like so many of Obama's ideals are intriguing, and that he is doing a good job of trying to unify the different parties, yet he's also avoiding a lot of the important issues by playing the fence to appease both sides.

So there you have it....impressed yet skeptical.

Sigh...

Wow, it feels like a million years since I've written. Life has been just a tad hectic lately. I guess that's just how it goes with me. I'm in my last semester of college, and that is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. My main goal is to finish strong. I am very close to graduating Magna Cum Lude, and I will be incredibly proud of myself if I do. I'll still be proud if I don't - but I know that I'm capable of accomplishing this goal. I was looking into ordering my graduation announcements, and as I looked at the proof, I almost teared up. I can't beleive that I've made it. I am going to be a college graduate...it's an insane feeling. It's crazy to think that I finally have a career path and I hope and pray that I will continue to be successful in my schooling and that I can get into a Master's Degree program that will afford me a positive experience. I am anxious to see how this next stage of my life will pan out, and my greatest hope is that I can manage to save up the money to sit back and relax a little and do some traveling. More importantly I hope that I will have someone to come with me!

I feel very greatful that I have had people who have come along side of me and supported me through all of my many adventures, successes and set backs. To the handful of people who have always found time to be there for me, I will never forget it. I am incredibly lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.

As this exciting time of my life unfolds, I will do my best to update any new developments that come along!

Best wishes.

Some People's Kids...

There are times in life where you feel as though any decision that you make could be the wrong one. There are a few people in my life that have hurt me deeply in regards to either friendships or relationships, that I have since forgiven but am not sure I really care to have around in my life again. I'm torn between what attitude to have towards them. I've forgiven them in my heart, but will never be able to forget their actions. Is the right thing to do to just forget them and move on and give the 'ole cold shoulder? Or to embrace their attempts to keep in touch and perhaps rekindle an old friendship? It's tough to determine if a person has truly changed, and then there are those who possibly haven't changed but once held wonderful characteristics until they "messed up" in terms of friendship. Everyone messes up from time to time, but it's hard to know if they truly regret what they've done. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

I'm typically the person who can be a bit of a pushover in this department, but I've recently been reevaluating that part of my life. Is it o.k to be selfish when it comes to friendships? Or should we have the loyalty of a golden retriever and offer forgiveness that might just mend a broken bridge or heart.

I guess it all comes down to a popular phrase..."hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me".

Tear Jerker

It's been awhile since I've seen a movie like this one, but I would recommend it to anyone looking for something good to watch. It's most definitely a tear jerker...but in the happy kind of way. It's refreshing and if you ever just need to have a "let it all out cry" this is the movie! The beginning of the movie was a little bizarre, but made sense in the end...This movie just 'clicked', there's a lot that can be learned by the lesson. It's not just a cheesy chick flick where everything is uber predictable. Watch it...you'll love it, and if not...oh well.

I have a big update coming soon, it might take some time to put all my words together eloquently but stay tuned!

Good News To Report...

1. I got an 'A+' on my research paper

2. School is out for Summer

3. So many family members have come to visit this year and I love every minute of it!

4. Next tuesday...it's going to be interesting, I can just feel it!

5. I'm learning how to play pool, and I'm not too shabby!

6. I love life!

I hate...

...Writing research papers...there are so many better things to write about than other people's ramblings. I love the research part because it's interesting...but when it comes to regurgitating what I've learned...I'm not the biggest fan...especially when that includes 20 freakin' pages of regurgiation!

Can anyone guess what I'm working on tonight??? The only good news to report is that as of 11:30 tomorrow....IT WILL BE COMPLETE!!! (insert happy face here =-)

Green light, yellow light, red light

So...many people might already know this, but for some it might be new information...from time to time I experience moderate to severe road rage...other drivers often aggravate me and I often find myself restraining from flipping people off for their idoicy. I do realize in my more rational moments that road rage is utterly pointless and only manages to get myself worked up over something that truly does not matter...but I had an ah-ha moment today...

You know when you're driving and you finally pass the slow poke in front of you only to get stopped at a red light? That's how I feel right now. Like I'm stopped at a red light with no where to go, no instructions on where to turn next, and in the midst of it all, I realize that suddenly I feel like I am the only one stopped. Everyone around me seems to have direction, they are traveling at top speeds to success, and I am stopped. And a little scared really. Most likely without reason...but nonetheless scared. Where am I going?

Smiles

Rockie's Game April '07

We Just 'get' each other!
Av's Game March '08
This makes us look like sports fans or something!
Fun times my friend...fun times!

I see the light...

Today I had a meeting with my advisor to make sure that everything was on track with my graduation plans, and I was pleasantly surprised that I was actually a little ahead of schedule!!! I thought I was going to have to take 5 or 6 classes to make sure that I met all my requirements in the fall and it turns out that I only have 7 credit hours left after the summer!!! AMAZING! I am going to take two classes and a 4 credit internship (which I still have to find by the way...so pray for that please!) I am so incredibly relieved that my final semester isn't going to be a huge stressful ordeal. It's weird to think that this has actually motivated me more...but it has and thank the Lord because I needed some motivation!

I also really hope that another situation in my life will end up working out because I think it would be so much fun and would me me a happy camper! We'll see though...I'm trying not to get my hopes up. =-)

Yippee.

Cysts and Tumors...please steer clear

Why is it that all of this is so complicated? Two family members in less than 6 months...

should I be afraid that I have horrible headaches?

Like a kid again...

Life is about the little things...and one thing that I will always love are those nostalgic feelings that remind me of being a kid. Well today that happened when i ate fun dip...I do have to admit the packaging has all changed but it still tastes the same!

Too bad all the fun stuff from being a kid couldn't come back... you know like incredibly limited responsibility or no bills to pay! Ah well...growing up does have it's perks huh?

Absent...but with a good excuse!

It's been way too long since I've written...I keep thinking of things to write about and then some how through out the day they escape my mind. But this last weekend I've been distracted because my mom came to visit me in Colorado! It was so great to get to spend some quality time with her! We had a girls weekend for sure and let me tell you it was well needed. We got to do some shopping (my belated b-day present) and we pampered ourselves with haircuts, pedicures and manicures, and finally a relaxing massage. We went to church together for Easter, and we saw Horton Hears a Who...my mom might be one of the only people who will still go see those silly kid movies with me...but I love them! =-) We also went to Golden to visit this quilt museum my mom wanted to see. It ended up being lame and not worth the six bucks (even she said so!), but at least she can say she went! All in all I love my mom tons and am so glad to be out of that teenage stage where it seemed most of our time was spent irritated with each other. It's fun to have a mom who is also your friend! She has been such a huge support with everything that has gone on lately. Only bummer is that dad couln't make it out as well. Maybe next time! I am actually really hoping to sneak a trip back to Cali this summer...I am dying to go waterskiing/wakeboarding and it's been way too long!!!!!!! The lake is calling me...I can already hear the boat engine rumbling and the smell of sunscreen is filling up my nostrils!

Well that's a mini update for now. I need to get my groove back for writing! But quite frankly I need to attempt to sleep at some point tonight and feel as though I'm going to really regret staying up this late tomorrow! But hey...you only live once right???

Sweet dreams

Plans...

Today I caught up with a friend that I met a few semesters ago in my English class, and we had a great time simply talking about life! It's interesting to me how easy it is to connect with some people, even though you don't see them on any sort of regular basis. I guess some people are just compatible like that!

We talked about anything and everything but one of my favorite topics we touched on was about the irony in life and trying to plan... It's ironic to think about how most of the time there is truly no sense in making plans because ultimately they are bound to change! It's so true, isn't it? Nothing in my life is how I invisioned it would have been 3 or 4 or 10 years ago. There are no plans that I can make that are gauaranteed to happen. In a way this is kind of exciting and a little bit thrilling because this creates the mystery that makes life fun.

My friend talked about one of her art projects where she had to start with a giant block of plaster/clay and chip away at it creating a work of art that did not resemble any object. The requirements were that at least 50% of the original block had to be extracted, and the object must have at least 3 different textures. As they worked on the project more and more, each person in the class began to create something entirely different than anyone else sitting around them. She talked about how at certain points in the project either she or one of her classmates would begin to chip away at their creation and something unexpected would happen. Either a tool would slip, the plaster was too weak and shattered, someone bumped into them in the middle of making a new adjustment, etc. At first the mistakes or unexpected changes were a nuicance and source of frustration, but as the artist continued to remold and adjust their plaster those nuicances became the best part of their creation. The most interesting or beautiful part of the project. The beauty was in the unexcpected.

It seems like a cheesy metaphor, but honestly if life can be viewed like one of those blocks of plaster then is it possible that there is beauty in the unexpected? Do the frustrations in life and the hard situations we experience have the potential to create something spectacular? I hope so...I really really hope so. Because isn't it those very things that make us stronger, aren't some of life's surprises the most fun? This silly example of the unpredicatability of life gave me peace today. I can't plan the future, and I have no clue what the future holds for me...but living day by day and enjoying the ride...it's then that I can look and see a masterpiece being created.

I don't think life is intended to be mapped out...but the roads we travel capture the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly...everything really, and ultimately each road brings us a little bit closer to our final destination. But traveling is the most fun...experiencing is after all what creates the memories.

A funny story to end the night

This is just a funny story to share because it made me smile today. One of my friends/coworkers has a 8 year old son who is pretty adorable...

Today after school he came running in the leasing office with his buddies and said to Siara (another friend/co-worker):

"We were getting off the bus and some kid did something illegal! We need to call the COPS, that boy just HIT A GIRL!"

I'm glad to see that it's now 'against the law' to hit a girl! ;-)

Yummy!

These are the delicious cookies I made tonight after the gym...

the trade off of calories was totally worth it!!!
You know you wish you were one of those sprinkles!

Missing...

Today I miss him...a lot. I tried to think of why this might be and I think it's because of the absence of touch I've been felt. It's amazing how much this one aspect can have on a person. I've always been a hugger, and I've always appreciated touch in my life. (approriate that is ;-) I guess I just got used to getting a hug almost every day, holding someone's hand, feeling his hand on the small of my back when we walked in a room...so many little things. So I guess in reality...I don't miss him...I just miss his touch. Sigh...

Tuesdays are fabulous! Work is generally boring..but after work...magic happens...o.k. I'm not sure if it's magic but I always feel so fantastic on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are SALSA NIGHTS!!! At 24 there is an awesome cardio salsa class that I've been going to for about a month. I'm a horrible dancer, but this class is so much FUN and sometimes I actually feel like I do all right!!! The rules are...don't look at your feet, sweat and have fun. None of these things are hard to do, this class will kick your butt. But afterwards I always feel great! I love it, so I just had to share!

Something else I love...breakfast for dinner! Can't get much better =-) Eggs with cheddar cheese, sausage, and some amazing orange juice full of pulp! Yummmy!

Do you believe???

Yesterday was a good day and I never got the opportunity to write about it, so I’m backtracking a bit. Lately, I’ve been stressed, and emotionally overwhelmed with anything and everything. I’ve been taking way too many things personally and felt the need to change the world before it ceased to exist. (O.k obviously not possible…but do you ever have those days when you just see everything wrong with the world…) Basically I haven’t been a very positive thinker and I’ve been trying my hardest to get out of this awful funk (see earlier post) because no one, especially me wants to feel like this. Well yesterday it happened! I left the funk! I don’t really know what came over me but I had a great day. I woke up early to finish a project for school and it took me less time than I expected. Then everything went smoothly at school and despite me deep urge to skip class, I went, and actually enjoyed my time. In my last class (Communication & the Elderly) we watched Grumpy Old Men, and before you doubt the academic credibility of this class time, please understand that this movie is definitely useful in evaluating some of the stereotypes that accompany the elderly public. Plus it is quite hilarious, and I had forgotten just how good it was so that was an added bonus! The next statement that I’m going to make might be laughable…but hear me out. This movie honestly helped me believe in love. Hahahahaha…o.k. the laughing is over, I hope you enjoyed the moment! ;-) But honestly, in addition to the ‘age’ theme that runs through the film, there is also a theme of love that managed to bring me hope.

It is so easy for me to see all of the couples who are failing at making the marriage commitment because it seems like they are everywhere…and I mean EVERYWHERE!!! A few years back I watched 2 young marriages fall apart because one of the people wasn’t committed. The next year I heard that my aunt and uncle who were married for over 20 years were separating, and now it seems like anyone and everyone I know is cheating on their significant other/spouse or being cheated on. It sucks. It’s very hard to stay positive when devastation is all that you seem to see, no matter where you look.

But then I started to think…what about all of the people doing it right! While there is definitely corruption in some marriages, and sometimes they fail...there are so many others that are flourishing. People who have truly made lifetime committments! These are the people to look up to! My grandparents, parents, many aunts and uncles, families from church etc., Mark & Shan, Kym & Andy, Maggie & Joe, Wayne & Krista, Doug & Alayna...the list could honestly go on...and on...this makes me excited about the future. I was beginning to think that this dream that I've had since I don't know...forever...was pretty much doomed to fail, but then I realized there are still many people out there that respect marriage and I'm super excited to have these people in my life because one day my dream is going to come true and I will be married to an amazing man. Then I know I will look up to them even more as examples of what love is really all about!

I BELIEVE IN LOVE! Yup..it's true. I've never truly been in love, I'm not in love now, but someday I will be and when that day comes...I BELIEVE!!!

This is a minute long clip from an episode of Scrubs that basically sums up what I've written...I found this a long time ago and find that it relates to my life in a new way...enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IINn0UatJPE&feature=related

Broken - Tift Merritt

Great song...will reflect later...

I love my job...a recent telephone conversation

Me: Thank you for calling Woodhaven Apartments, Michelle Speaking

Person on Phone: I'm looking for an apartment

Me: O.k we have 1 and 2 bedroom apartments available in a variety of styles how many bedrooms are you looking for?

Person: 2 bedrooms

Me: We will have a few opening up very soon are you looking for anything specific for your apartment?

Person: How many floors do you have?

Me: 3, the first floor is garden level

Person: So you do have a second floor?

Me: Yes ma'am. (please excuse me while I try not to laugh at you...if we have 3 floors yes there is a second one in there somewhere!)

So it's possible that I'm the only one who finds humor in this but, it makes me smile. I know she probably meant for her question to come out differently but honestly some people ask the darnest things.

=-)

This is my Grandma White, I admire her so much.

She makes me wish I was at home in California...

that's been happening a lot lately. =(

Uphill Climb

Well I can officially say that today has been a waste of a day. Sad I know...but I ended up staying up late talking with a friend last night and was exhausted this morning. I finished my homework but only went to two of my classes (I'm apparently a slacker). I feel frustrated and unmotivated with school right now. I see myself falling further and further behind...and I just know that this will ultimately bite me in the butt. The weirdest part of all of this is that I'm not usually like this. I am a student...it's a huge part of who I am and while I've gotten burnt out with school at end of semesters and during crunch times, I've never lost my motivation to work hard. Now I feel like I don't really care.

This makes me feel a little disappointed in myself. What sucks is that I just wish I was done with school. I have so many different things that I want to do in life, and I want to be able to focus on my personal life and my faith right now. I think what I'm struggling with is accepting myself where I'm at in my life. There aren't many things I can change in my life with out crazy consequences so I feel like I'm stuck in the hole I've been trying so desperately to climb out of.

I want to be strong. I hate the feeling of being weak...deep down I understand that what I'm feeling is change and growth, but it makes me feel... Unstable. Yuck, I don't think anyone likes this feeling. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes I feel as though the person who I am and the person who I want to be are constantly battling. I'm tired of trying to feel better, or stronger and more together. I just want to be o.k with where I am at, I want to be myself, and I want to feel proud of the person I am even if at times I struggle.

It's kinda like climbing a mountain. For the most part it's just an uphill climb, but every once in awhile you have to stop and rest, rehydrate yourself and possibly eat a power bar. Then you can continue to climb upwards. It's time to rest and rejuvinate, because I am confident that there are better days ahead. The emotional struggles can't go on forever. Eventually we reach the top of the mountain and we can appreciate everything that happened on the journey to get there.

It's time to say cheers to the better days ahead.

Octopus In My Head???

So I've decided that some roller coasters aren't fun. Roller coasters are generally full of fun; twists and turns and gut quenching thrill. But I have found one type of roller coaster that I can't stand...emotional roller coasters are NOT fun. I feel as though my mood can change with the blink of an eye these days. My days are remarkably better than they were 2 weeks ago, but there are still times when I can’t think of anything aside from the relationship that I just watched shatter into a million pieces. I just wish that he would come crawling back so I could say…Ha! No Way MISTER!!! The thing that hurts the most is that this will never happen, so I will never get my chance to hurt him with rejection the same way that he hurt me. It’s horrible to think like that and I know that doing this will never make me feel any better…but that’s how my evil head works. Most days I’m over the whole situation, but there is still a part of me that wonders what I did wrong, why couldn’t he love me, why doesn’t he realize what he walked away from. The other part of me is jumping for joy because hind sight has shown me how much he was bringing me down in life. I let him take away from my faith, my identity and so much more. Regardless, my current frustration is simply that I still get sad and I HATE THAT! I get all worked up with so many emotions that are completely out of my control. It usually lasts about 20 minutes to and hour and eventually I am able to focus my attention somewhere else but I hate getting so worked up over nothing. There is nothing to be sad about anymore. There is no undoing the past, all I can do is move forward, so why does my mind wrap its octopus like tentacles around the bad memories and hang on for dear life? The question of the day is why does our past have to loom like a dark rain cloud over our present? There are plenty of happy, pleasant memories that I’ve forgotten about and that escape my mind most of the time, yet now when I just want to erase certain memories and have a clean slate and my mind won’t let go. The octopus in my head is not very nice…there’s something I never thought I’d say.

Just...want...to...start...a...new...day...

I'm in a funk...I can't get out...it's comsuming me. Writing is the only thing that is keeping me sane...How do you get rid of funk? I want to be alone and surrounded by people all at the same time...then I think to myself...Michelle that is completely and totally IMPOSSIBLE. What is my problem? I'm not sad, I'm not happy....I'm just irritated at nothing. I've been bored all day at work. Have completely no motivation to work on my stuff for school. Don't want to go home to an empty apartment. Don't want to go grocery shopping and spend money because I finally feel like I have some, lol. I just want to sleep. Or cry or listen, or feel better, or just have a crap ton of fun. But there is no fun to be had. Everyone has plans. My friends live too far away....AAAAAHHHHHHGGGG! What the heck? There it is...that's my funk. I hate the funk. Please go away funk...you are not welcome here.

Things to be happy about...because I'm feeling down...

1. temperatures have finally moved out of the freezing zone into somewhat livable...only cold at night I can deal with this temperatures =)
2. i have beautiful flowers on my desk thanks to a fabulous co-worker
3. my mom is coming to visit in 32 days!!!
4. i had chipolte for lunch and it was amazing...
5. my finances are finally not overwhelming me
6. i'm going grocery shopping tonight...and there's just something about that that makes me happy inside...weird right? I think it means I'm destined to be a super mom...who knows.
7. i have a gift certificate for See's candy...which I will redeem tonight thank you very much!!!
8. i have amazing friends who make me smile, and laugh, and who make living seem worth while
9. i am loved by our amazing creator
10. lip gloss from victoria secret is superb...
11. there are 320 days left this year for amazing life chaning wonderful things to happen!
12. water has been satisfying my thirst lately...and that almost never happens.
13. church is tomorrow night
14. i'm gonna go work out tonight and that always gives me extra energy
15. things will get better...that makes me happy...very very happy

Love is...blind

O.k...I've been wanting to write for several days now and have yet to make it my priority. So it has loomed over my head and finally I realized that...it is time.

Well yesterday was Valentine's day...a big whoop-di-do for everyone who loves red and pink covered chocolates, and roses, and a fancy dinner...ect ect ect you know the drill. Initially I became irritated because as we all know this should have been a special day for me...I was looking forward to celebrating it with my special somone...and then only weeks before I got the newsflash that he wasn't so special anymore. That he cheated on me...that he never appreciated anything that I did for him and that he had no respect for me or our relationship. RIDICULOUS, right? Proposterous even...my world was turned upside down for a bit, and after a few hard lessons learned, several waves of emotions exasperated, and so many tears cried that I'm sure I've met my quota for the next 6 months...I am finally sitting/standing right side up. My head is glued on somewhat straight and I feel fine. I feel fine. O.k...I feel numb but also mostly fine. I'm not glad and I'm not sad. I can sit and ponder all of the reasons to be jumping for joy that this man is out of my life and I can also sit and ponder all the reasons that I'm going to miss him. Either way...both feelings are still there. And I'm coming to the realization that maybe they always will be there and maybe there is something constructive that can be done with those feelings. If I look at life simply and understand that I am here to experience and to learn...then I can do both of those things with my relationship with Rene. I have already experienced...the good, the bad and the ugly. I've learned different things along the way, but now it's time to understand. I understand that he was put in my life for a reason, I understand that I was hurt, and I understand that I never want to feel the way that I have in the last 2 weeks ever ever again ever....EVER! I also understand that this might have been exactly what I needed to fall flat on my face in terms of my faith and my incredible skill of avoidance. No matter how great it felt to be in the arms of a lover (let's not get too literal here), my heart and soul have been empty and starving for more. I am not proud of the fact that I have walked away from the first person who ever loved me, but I am overwhelmed with the idea that he has been waiting for me. For me. Eventhough I doubted his role in my life. Doubted his care and love for me...I doubted. But the amazing thing is that through my heartache over a man...I fell in love with my best friend. A homecoming if you will. It sounds cliche, and another, overused Christian expression. But it feels right, the cliche, overused Christian expression fits my life....weird right? There is so much that I don't understand and that I can't comprehend...but the one thing that I know is that I crave to be in a place in my life where I am in love with Jesus Christ. This might sound strange to some, but it's true. I want to be in love with Him, I want serve him, I want to understand his role in my life. It won't always be perfect, and I may even doubt again at sometime in my life...but no one said my faith had to be perfect, it never has been and it never will be. But the point is...it's faith...and it's present and alive in my life.

A Bucket List...well kinda..

I was talking with a good friend tonight and I have established that while my life has been fairly entertaining and full of fun memories and excitement there are so many things that I have yet to do. As I round out my undergraduate education I realize that my dedication to both working and studying has fufilled a huge part of who I am...but has also left a void.

What type of void you might ask? Its hard to explain. I can't discount my choices in life and I'm very proud of the accomplishments that I've made and the experiences that I have lived through and learned from...but I am 23 years old and some times I feel as though my focus is on 10 years from now instead of RIGHT NOW...here...the PRESENT...today...If I'm not paying bills and freaking out about ruining my credit forever or working my butt off to get an A in every single college course that I'm enrolled in, or working out to make sure that I don't become grossley obese...AHHHHHHHH....it's all pointless. Why do I take life so seriously....like it might end if I'm not anal about all the little details. What if the dishes sit in the sink for 48 hours? What if someone sees my dirtly laundry on the floor? Will tomorrow still come? O.k...so lets face it these things are still important...but what about the fun stuff? Now I'm obviously being a little one-sided (there has to be a better word for this) in my observations and I've had a ton of fun in my life, many priceless memories...but my point...(yes it's taking me approx. 3 years to get to it...sorry) is that there are so many things that I have yet to experience in life! And I want to EXPERIENCE LIFE!!!

So my conclusion is that I need to have goals outside of my career and education for my future...so here's a start:

Thing to do this year:
*Go to the Denver Zoo/Aquariam/Art Museum
*Visit Rocky Mountain National Park
*Serve at Camp Barnabas
*Go Wakeboarding/waterskiing this summer
*Have a movie day...all day....just watch movies and veg with my friends.
*Go to a concert (Fronteir Days Steven???)

Things to do before I die...
*Go on an African Saffari
*Visit all 7 Contienents
*Swim with the Dolphins
*Sky Dive....(biting nails in terror...I will enjoy every moment save the one that requires me stepping away from the plane lol =)

O.k...I'm running out of ideas due to the pressure of thinking in the moment, but I will try to add to the list...

2008...You haven't started off in the greatest light...but I have hope...I'm excited...Let's Dance!

Back to the Basics

The new year has brought a whirl wind of changes and events to my normally basic non-eventful boring predictable mediocre life. I have been forced to look at myself in a rather blunt and unforgiving mirror and have been heartbroken by the reflection. I no longer see the woman that I want to be and am forced to reckon with the person that I have become. At first I feel hopeless and defeated until I remember that I am the very person who has the potential to change the reflection.

Push comes to shove I am a walking example of the overused bible verse Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory”. (note this is from memory not taken directly from a specific site or source.) I realize that this verse applies to every single human being alive on this earth but for some reason I feel as though I am the single most defiant sinner of them all. Leave it to my genetics to make me hard on myself. My once faithful heart has been beaten and broken and conquered by the devil for the last year or so of my life…I have fallen for his lies, eaten the forbidden fruit and have turned my eyes from the very foundation of truth that I have stood by my entire adolescent and young adult life.

I have no excuses or eloquent reasoning for why my faith has faltered. All I know is that my faith crumpled in the face of doubt and I turned my heart away from the one person who was to be trusted with my entire being. I believed my faith to be solid and suddenly I am faced with the reality that I still have no idea of the magnitude found in the Lord Jesus Christ. Will I ever understand? While I never stopped believing in him, I did stop living my faith. I walked away from the first person to ever love me, and walked into the arms of someone who never did. This makes me feel like utter filth, dirty and undeserving of the gift that I am still able to receive. My mind simply cannot wrap itself around the fact that I am worthy of His love and grace. I think of the people in my life who have hurt me in the past and how hard it is to forgive them, and then I recognize the forgiving nature of my Savior and am in utter disbelief that it’s possible.

It’s incredibly humbling to know that I can return to the arms of Christ with no questions asked, no application process or interview, nothing is asked of me aside from a commitment to know and grow closer to my comforter, my redeemer, and best friend, my rock and my salvation. I am in awe, it’s uncomprehendable, and I am overwhelmed. Shaken not stirred…just in case it matters to anyone. =) O.k…I’m still a smartass. Some things never change.

Think before you say...

There are times in life when your mouth gets you in trouble. The last week or so has been one of those times for me. I let the pain in my heart control my anger and rage and when i get mad I don't hit or punch or throw a fit. My anger is either expressed in tears or in words. I have been told and have learned from experience that words can hurt more than a slap in the face. The old saying of "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...it isn't quite on target.

Words do hurt. They penetrate your heart, they fill your mind and they consume your thoughts. In both good ways and bad. In a good way, when a guy tells you he loves you...you believe it...you repeat the words over and over again and they penetrate your thoughts...they motivate your actions and they bring you hope. But turn it on the flip side and say, "only a mother could love someone like you"...and those words aren't forgotten either. They most likely emplify your worst fears about yourself and make you feel lower than low. I imagine that both can be like yelling in a cave and hearing the echo sounding over and over and over again...slowly getting further and further away. But reverberating in every bone in your body. The highest of highes to the lowest of lows. Words are not forgotten. This is when I wish that I had a rewind button for my life. Just to go back a moment or two and start over. Think about my actions and realize that saying something hurtful to another person doesn't make anyone feel better. Maybe for some it does...maybe revenge really is sweet and having that revenge makes their day. But for me, it only brought more hurt. I looked in the mirror and realized that I could not longer recognize the person I had become in my anger. I am not a cruel monster capable of causing someone so much hurt...am I? Was it worth it to express my frustration...just to make someone feel as low as I did?

I'm not sure what compels a person to say such wonderful or such hurtful things...but I know now from experience that both can be said and not meant. He told me he loved me, and never meant it. I expressed my frustration by saying only a mother could love him. It's not true. It couldn't be true...because I loved him. I don't know that it was ever something that he believed...and I'm sure he wouldn't be compelled to change his mind now that he's seen the angry words in a text message written from me, (although never meant to be seen by him - thank you for the help with that). Regardless, he saw the words. And because of that I have now lost not only a boyfriend...but a few friends, and a few memories that I will never be able to share with anyone.

Words hold more power than I will ever understand. So learn from my mistakes...choose wisely...never fear to express your feelings, but know that our feelings are based in emotion...and when not in the right state of mind, the words still have the same meaning.

How many years....?

Well after a 3 day attempt to set up a google account (yup...that's how long it's been since I've posted anything here), I can finally get back to my lovely little blog. It has recently become apparent to me that for at least the last year of my life I have been taking care of everyone else besides ME! So I'm trying to get back to doing some of the things that I love to do. And writing is one of them. Most of what I write is nonsense...occasionally the words do have quite a bit of meaning...but like I said...mostly nonsense to help me realize that I have a life. =) Sometimes I feel as though I have so many thoughts in one day that they are merely thoughts...and they never capture the meaning that helps me apply the thoughts to my life. When I write...it solidifies that fact that I have made an application.

I have some serious updates to post but for now this is a start. I will hopefully write more this weekend after I've had a little more time to process some of the things that are circling around in my little brain.