Love is...blind

O.k...I've been wanting to write for several days now and have yet to make it my priority. So it has loomed over my head and finally I realized that...it is time.

Well yesterday was Valentine's day...a big whoop-di-do for everyone who loves red and pink covered chocolates, and roses, and a fancy dinner...ect ect ect you know the drill. Initially I became irritated because as we all know this should have been a special day for me...I was looking forward to celebrating it with my special somone...and then only weeks before I got the newsflash that he wasn't so special anymore. That he cheated on me...that he never appreciated anything that I did for him and that he had no respect for me or our relationship. RIDICULOUS, right? Proposterous even...my world was turned upside down for a bit, and after a few hard lessons learned, several waves of emotions exasperated, and so many tears cried that I'm sure I've met my quota for the next 6 months...I am finally sitting/standing right side up. My head is glued on somewhat straight and I feel fine. I feel fine. O.k...I feel numb but also mostly fine. I'm not glad and I'm not sad. I can sit and ponder all of the reasons to be jumping for joy that this man is out of my life and I can also sit and ponder all the reasons that I'm going to miss him. Either way...both feelings are still there. And I'm coming to the realization that maybe they always will be there and maybe there is something constructive that can be done with those feelings. If I look at life simply and understand that I am here to experience and to learn...then I can do both of those things with my relationship with Rene. I have already experienced...the good, the bad and the ugly. I've learned different things along the way, but now it's time to understand. I understand that he was put in my life for a reason, I understand that I was hurt, and I understand that I never want to feel the way that I have in the last 2 weeks ever ever again ever....EVER! I also understand that this might have been exactly what I needed to fall flat on my face in terms of my faith and my incredible skill of avoidance. No matter how great it felt to be in the arms of a lover (let's not get too literal here), my heart and soul have been empty and starving for more. I am not proud of the fact that I have walked away from the first person who ever loved me, but I am overwhelmed with the idea that he has been waiting for me. For me. Eventhough I doubted his role in my life. Doubted his care and love for me...I doubted. But the amazing thing is that through my heartache over a man...I fell in love with my best friend. A homecoming if you will. It sounds cliche, and another, overused Christian expression. But it feels right, the cliche, overused Christian expression fits my life....weird right? There is so much that I don't understand and that I can't comprehend...but the one thing that I know is that I crave to be in a place in my life where I am in love with Jesus Christ. This might sound strange to some, but it's true. I want to be in love with Him, I want serve him, I want to understand his role in my life. It won't always be perfect, and I may even doubt again at sometime in my life...but no one said my faith had to be perfect, it never has been and it never will be. But the point is...it's faith...and it's present and alive in my life.