Think before you say...

There are times in life when your mouth gets you in trouble. The last week or so has been one of those times for me. I let the pain in my heart control my anger and rage and when i get mad I don't hit or punch or throw a fit. My anger is either expressed in tears or in words. I have been told and have learned from experience that words can hurt more than a slap in the face. The old saying of "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...it isn't quite on target.

Words do hurt. They penetrate your heart, they fill your mind and they consume your thoughts. In both good ways and bad. In a good way, when a guy tells you he loves you...you believe it...you repeat the words over and over again and they penetrate your thoughts...they motivate your actions and they bring you hope. But turn it on the flip side and say, "only a mother could love someone like you"...and those words aren't forgotten either. They most likely emplify your worst fears about yourself and make you feel lower than low. I imagine that both can be like yelling in a cave and hearing the echo sounding over and over and over again...slowly getting further and further away. But reverberating in every bone in your body. The highest of highes to the lowest of lows. Words are not forgotten. This is when I wish that I had a rewind button for my life. Just to go back a moment or two and start over. Think about my actions and realize that saying something hurtful to another person doesn't make anyone feel better. Maybe for some it does...maybe revenge really is sweet and having that revenge makes their day. But for me, it only brought more hurt. I looked in the mirror and realized that I could not longer recognize the person I had become in my anger. I am not a cruel monster capable of causing someone so much hurt...am I? Was it worth it to express my frustration...just to make someone feel as low as I did?

I'm not sure what compels a person to say such wonderful or such hurtful things...but I know now from experience that both can be said and not meant. He told me he loved me, and never meant it. I expressed my frustration by saying only a mother could love him. It's not true. It couldn't be true...because I loved him. I don't know that it was ever something that he believed...and I'm sure he wouldn't be compelled to change his mind now that he's seen the angry words in a text message written from me, (although never meant to be seen by him - thank you for the help with that). Regardless, he saw the words. And because of that I have now lost not only a boyfriend...but a few friends, and a few memories that I will never be able to share with anyone.

Words hold more power than I will ever understand. So learn from my mistakes...choose wisely...never fear to express your feelings, but know that our feelings are based in emotion...and when not in the right state of mind, the words still have the same meaning.