Back to the Basics

The new year has brought a whirl wind of changes and events to my normally basic non-eventful boring predictable mediocre life. I have been forced to look at myself in a rather blunt and unforgiving mirror and have been heartbroken by the reflection. I no longer see the woman that I want to be and am forced to reckon with the person that I have become. At first I feel hopeless and defeated until I remember that I am the very person who has the potential to change the reflection.

Push comes to shove I am a walking example of the overused bible verse Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory”. (note this is from memory not taken directly from a specific site or source.) I realize that this verse applies to every single human being alive on this earth but for some reason I feel as though I am the single most defiant sinner of them all. Leave it to my genetics to make me hard on myself. My once faithful heart has been beaten and broken and conquered by the devil for the last year or so of my life…I have fallen for his lies, eaten the forbidden fruit and have turned my eyes from the very foundation of truth that I have stood by my entire adolescent and young adult life.

I have no excuses or eloquent reasoning for why my faith has faltered. All I know is that my faith crumpled in the face of doubt and I turned my heart away from the one person who was to be trusted with my entire being. I believed my faith to be solid and suddenly I am faced with the reality that I still have no idea of the magnitude found in the Lord Jesus Christ. Will I ever understand? While I never stopped believing in him, I did stop living my faith. I walked away from the first person to ever love me, and walked into the arms of someone who never did. This makes me feel like utter filth, dirty and undeserving of the gift that I am still able to receive. My mind simply cannot wrap itself around the fact that I am worthy of His love and grace. I think of the people in my life who have hurt me in the past and how hard it is to forgive them, and then I recognize the forgiving nature of my Savior and am in utter disbelief that it’s possible.

It’s incredibly humbling to know that I can return to the arms of Christ with no questions asked, no application process or interview, nothing is asked of me aside from a commitment to know and grow closer to my comforter, my redeemer, and best friend, my rock and my salvation. I am in awe, it’s uncomprehendable, and I am overwhelmed. Shaken not stirred…just in case it matters to anyone. =) O.k…I’m still a smartass. Some things never change.